Milking a cow

I was watching Ramsey's kitchen nightmares yesterday, the shite version also knowing as the USA version and for some reason the whole restaurant staff were out wanking off a cow for milk.

Now, I've never milked a cow before but I seriously cannot get my head around everything. I mean, would the udders be cold and soft and the milk would be warm? or would it all back to front from that which would be fucking weird. I donno, this just fries my brains thinking about it. The simple thing would be to ask somebody who has milked a cow but I don't really know any farmers and even if I did, how would I bring this up in conversation? Also, how long would you have to wait before you asked them? Is it a personal thing to them? I don't know quite know what the 411 is on farmers code of conduct in relation to wanking cows but I think it's a firm road that I do not want to go down. Ever.

I would bring up the case in point of 'What was the first person thinking when they milked a cow?'

Cause let's be honest here people, it's not as this was really stumbled across by accident. I assume baby cows were going crazy on the udders and somebody was walking through a field, dying of thirst and thought, 'fuck sake, needs must' and thus milk was discovered. Also, it's not as if drinking milk is anything new, breast milk anybody?

What I find more interesting to think about is, what if the role was switched. What if it was people being milked for cows. I know, that's crazy right, I mean, how is a cow meant to hold a spoon to eat his cereal? it's ridiculous.

This makes my mind work even more, what if evolution fucked up and it was cows who were meant to be the smart ones and humans were just as stupid as every other animal. But better yet, what if the really smart animals were Giraffes.

Imagine having all this intelligence that could lead to the creation of cars, skyscrapers and computers and you're stuck in the body of.......a fucking giraffe.

How much wasted potential is that? You'd be well pissed off. I can't exactly see a giraffe driving car or reading a paper on the way out their house on the way to work. Perhaps stopping by starbucks for a coffee to wake them up. This is only the basic things, what about if you really get into it.

From a health point of view it becomes even more crazy. How is a giraffe meant to brush their teeth and what if their vision goes a little wonky and they need to get glasses. Surgery would be something else all together, imagine trying to do something that complicated when your hands are about 30ft away or however big a giraffe really is. I assume they'd be the size of a lamp post and would have the physical ability of a lamp post.

Actually really thinking about, the concept of a giraffe speaking english, is just plain weird.


Basically, I don't know what I'm trying to say here, just that no matter how weird you think milking a cow is, it's probably not the strangest thing that could have happened in life. Just think of a speccy giraffe, flying a plane while listening to their ipod and eating their cereal. It's a complete mind fuck and that's before I even make a start on giraffe fashion and bullying.


Update: Imagine what Giraffe sports would have been like? It would be rubbish but hilarious, I fail to see them skateboaring or playing football. Crazy crazy crazy animals.