I might start a new blog

Something about all the gadgets and weird shit I find on the internet. I may even use pictures too.

The Real Hustle & Terrorism.

First off, the new guy who narrates this problem sounds slightly retarded. Or maybe it's an accent, I cannot tell but either way, you're trying to portray a cool tv series, where people scam cunts and then you have this guy doing the voice over. It would be like Ocean's Eleven where Matt Damon actually acts like: Maaaaaaaattttttt Daaaaaaamon, just like Team America. It simply wouldn't work....well.

Anyhow, the people in the real hustle have just completely shat all over their social life. Either I have watched the show enough to recognise them and thus I assume everybody else knows or the show really is popular enough but I digress.

The point I'm making is this, nobody will ever want to talk to them or be near them, simply because you'll have the feeling that once you're done talking, you're wallet will be missing and you'll look a right knob on tv.

On the plus side for these people though, if the BBC decides to seriously cut back their wages and they have to use public transport (Which is utter shite) then they could easily get a seat on any bus or train, nobody would want to sit next them. Christ, even the terrorist with a bomb in his bag will move seat in fear of it being stolen.

I liked the idea that Susan Boyle is helping the war on terror as most terrorists now know what a virgin looks like and it isn't pretty. And why would you even want to have 40 virgins anyway? That would be like going on a flight and hearing the captain say:

Blah blah blah blah, we're heading to Amsterdam (which I am tomorrow) blah blah, the weather will be lovely (Which it better) blah blah blah.......oh and by the way, this is my first time.

You'd shit yourself but I don't know if you'd shit yourself enough that you'd want to be the first cunt to actually leave the plane in fear.

Or worse, you walk into a hospital and this happens.

Nurse: Hi there, you in for yer vasectomy?
You: Yeah, haha....I'm scared.
Nurse: Well this is your surgeon and he'll take you through what will happen.
You: Great, haha....I'm scared.
Surgeon (who I imagine looks like Turk): I've never done this before.
You: aye, see ye later pal.

Now in the back of your mind, you know everything would go to plan, probably but it wouldn't go to plan as well as somebody with a bit of experience. I don't really know what I'm trying to say here.

So I'll sum it up with this. All terrorists are ugly cunts, they are. No terrorist has ever flashed up on the news and somebody has thought, wow, he's actually good looking, nobody has ever even said, wow, he's average looking. This is why they look forward to getting their hole and the only way this seems to happen is by suicide bombing apparently.

Maybe it was a joke that got out of hand.

Like the time I told my pal to shave sideways, as in the blade going across the face in a slashing motion. I would have felt bad if it wasn't so funny.

Thank you Jamster!!

Thank you so much for inventing a living breathing wallpaper can tell me how much battery I have left in my phone. Really, thank you!!

Before, I'd be surprised when my phone suddenly cut out but now I'm not, I simply have to close off all the menus and windows and there it is, how much battery I have left. All this for a mere £4.50 a week until I decide to cancel my subscription. While I'm at it, I could have some of those animals licking my screen, or hopefully they'll have disabled people licking windows sooner.

I hope that somebody at R&D tells them that all phones have this function to tell the user how much battery they have left and it's nothing new. It's been around since the 80s when the mobile phone was invented with a GUI.

Honestly, I thought I had an easy job but this just rips the cunt.

I've had two ideas

Now, I feel a bit weird saying this and if somebody copies these I'll be fucking raging and demanding royalties if they make the big time although one may already exist.

Now, buying a present for yer girlfriend or boyfriend can be a difficult experience. (Personally I don't have this problem because I know my girlfriend that well but hey, we can't all be like me, I kid but not really)

So, what I devise is this: I make a website and what you do is have a little snoop around their collection of crap and you pick their favourtite things and you put it into this search engine type thing and you sert a budget.

The website will then figure out what kind of person we're dealing with here and some how, magically bring up the perfect gift for them. So, you type in what dvds they have, it'll find a dvd. You type in what make up or perfume they have, it'll find something.

It could work or it couldn't, I donno and I can't predict these internet trends, I'm quite up to date with the majority of internet memes, mainly being dat ass and the rock for the time being.


The other thing is you create a tshirt with different drinks on it, small enough that you have a selection but not crazy enough that you look like a mental alcoholic. So when yer pal goes up to the bar and forgets your order and tries to get your attention for what you want. You simply point at the drink on your tshirt and everybody wins.

Now this won't work because nobody will ever wear a tshirt with drinks on it, except from those dicks who wear Jack Daniels tshirts.

Blood

It's really warm.

I had a blood test about two weeks ago and I got told that blood is really warm but I think, sure blood can be warm but if you have blood running through your body, wouldn't touching that blood not really be noticeable since it's just the same temperature as your body?

Well it's not. It's quite toasty. The nurse gave me a slightly strange look when I asked to hold the tubes but when I explained the situation, she was completely fine. I had to give 5 viles of blood and I tell you, I was feeling dizzy after it, it probably wasn't the best of ideas to drive afterwards as I felt the need to over react to everything. It's what I imagine driving drunk would be like but completely sober.

I'd like to give blood but it does seem like a lot of effort, I'd imagine, I'd have to go, give a little, they check it, make sure I'm not spewing out aids into the health system and then I come back a month later and donate blood and get a cookie.

I had better get a fucking cookie otherwise we have no deal and I don't want to get hit with a maryland bumper pack, with 50 for a quid. I want a fully fledged cookie, one so big that the thought of eating it in one guy will have me saying, let's see how I feel at the half way stage.

The donate blood website is brilliants. For a start it's called blood.co.uk. It has a fun zone with games on it and the mascot is called Billy and he looks like a condom, red one at that. You know the type. The type of condom you'd only ever find in a dodgy pub where the machine is slightly rusty.

Graphic Design

I find it weird, that I do not have a single problem with designing stuff for other people, it's my job after all but even as a favour I don't have a problem or even doing it to be funny or to be wide.

Yet, when i have the opportunity to create something for myself, I simply cannot be arsed. Hence this blog looks so average.

Something awesome yet dangerous

Coccaine.

No but seriously.

One of the many things I've noticed when driving, well I noticed this a long time ago but being in the driving seat adds a completly different element to it. You know how when you're driving and you see somebody you know driving the other way, you always give a little wave or beep the horn or do something stupid.

What if, you had a signal, through a flash or lights or horn beeps, something so that by the time the cars are passing you have enough time to roll down the windows and give each other a high five as you pass by.

Now, this does possess some great risk, obviously any speed greater than 30mph would hurt like fuck cause basically you'd be slapping something at 60mph and I don't know what the average slap speed is and I think it's one of the mysteries of the universe that we shouldn't know as it would take the magic of a high five. but aye, high speed high fives are out.

What else will be a big no no, is gangster high 5's where you lock hands, cause what will happen is, you'll lock hands and you only have less than a moment here and basically what will happen is; your left hand on the wheel will get pulled sharply to the right causing you and the other driver to go into the other lane, now if it's quiet, fair do's but otherwise you're taking about a head on crash and although nobody will have ever ever ever died like that, it's simply not worth it.

There should also be a safe distance apart, I mean an arms length is a good bit of distance and you have to two arms both extending out so I assume that it should be fine.

I'm going to go find a fellow driving friend and experiment.

Funny story

So I parked the car and was walking down to work and was about to pass by Primark. Now if you're from Hamilton, you will know that there is always a homeless guy or some guy on guitar singing his heart out (Also, if you're in this area enough, you'll realise this guy only knows 3 songs and just plays on repeat, fortunately nobody likes to hang outside primark or farmfoods (when it was open) for good reason)

So, anyhow, I'm walking past and I have a look in Primark as I have nothing better to look at and I see a hoodie and then I look at the homeless guy and would you believe, he's wearing the hoodie in the primark window.

Imagine you went to Primark, you walk out, feeling quite good about your purchase in these times of economic recession and you see that guy, arse planked on the floor with a mcdonalds cup that looks like the top has been chewed off it with pennies in it. So you think back to the thought you just recently had about the recession and you think, is it really that bad that I'm having to dress as a homeless?

What if there was an economic boom and you seem homeless people jumping about in marks and spencers gear, it would be a mad world I tell you!

Singing in the pub

So I tired to sing Fresh Prince of Bel Air yesterday and 2 people joined in, one being my sister. I expected more to be honest. Also since everybody was singing anyway, I deemed this the perfect opportunity to try it but it wasn't to be.

Just to add this in here, I hate the fact that I have so many different passwords for accounts and even more so that I have more accounts.

I'll try for scott_walker first for an account name or failing that scott_walker_88 but then some websites are weird and don't allow underscores so it's scottwalker88 but since some prick stole that on youtube (I mean seriously, i've been on his page, it's pish) so i was left with scottwalker1988.

So I have a vast amount of account, haha look at me rhyming which is only made worse by the fact that I use several email addresses and different passwords cause people have found them out at some point or another.

I have a sort of haven where I have all my account details saved on the web pages but then my internet goes and fucks it self so I have nothing, absolutly nothing.

But in all fairness I don't think the people over at WrestlingGoneWrong.com will miss me that much.

Now, this is a story all about how

Now, this is a story all about how
My life got flipped-turned upside down
And I liked to take a minute
Just sit right there
I'll tell you how I became the prince of a town called Bel Air

In west Philadelphia born and raised
On the playground was where I spent most of my days
Chillin' out maxin' relaxin' all cool
And all shootin some b-ball outside of the school
When a couple of guys
Who were up to no good
Startin making trouble in my neighborhood
I got in one little fight and my mom got scared
She said 'You're movin' with your auntie and uncle in Bel Air'

I whistled for a cab and when it came near
The license plate said fresh and it had dice in the mirror
If anything I can say this cab is rare
But I thought 'Now forget it' - 'Yo homes to Bel Air'

I pulled up to the house about 7 or 8
And I yelled to the cabbie 'Yo homes smell ya later'
I looked at my kingdom
I was finally there
To sit on my throne as the Prince of Bel Air


One day, I'll start singing this in the pub and everybody will join in and the pub will be in uproar after it. Also, this song should be on karaoke.

It's been a long time.

The reason mainly being that I've been too busy at work and at night time, I really couldn't give a shite to sit down and write anything, or lie down in this case. I also found that the majority of things that I did want to talk about involved people, who it would be far too obvious who I was talking about.

The sensible thing would have been to simply make a diary. I had a diary once, it lasted for 10 days and involved a lot of drinking and at the end of it all I realised was, that I can't spell when drunk and if a particular someone was to read the enteries, it would be bad news for everybody, probably.

Charlies Angels 2 is on and its awful and at the back of my mind I'm thinking, McG made this. Yes, that's his actual name, it's not McGarry or McGuinness, it's just McG, no first name either. So, this movie is so shit that it's beyond knowing that it's shit and it becomes just a shit shit movie, a double shit movie if you would. Now, why would this bother me?

Becuase this cunt is making......Terminator 4, that's right. This McGenius is making Terminator Salvation. fucking hell.....pies.

Everything keeps breaking

I remember when I was younger, this was actually about 6months ago and how had I all these things I seemed to care about and now 6 months on, I really couldn't give a crpa about.

Examples;

I used to have a list of websites I'd go on about gaming and technology news and check them everyday. Now I'd be lucky if I check them fortnightly.

Computer has broke and I can't be arsed fixing it.

Aerial has broke for my telly, can't be bothered buying a new one, don't miss it at all.

Tv in general and that includes all my favourite shows, Lost, Prison Break, 24 etc etc. Stopped wtaching them all, that's bveen 2months now without a single episode.

Gaming in general. I have games I got at christmas that I haven't even touched yet. Out of the past 6 games I've bought, I reckon that I've only collectively (Minus fifa 09) played for 5 hours.


It could just be that I'm getting older and a lot of my priorities have changed over the past few months, obviously for the better otherwise I wouldn't have bothered my arse to change.

It just feels a little strange to look back is all.

Panic Attacks

I have the slightest of slightest feelings that I may have it. I don't care for it much at all.

Edit: I should probably expand this a bit.

I think it's always been kind of underlying and it's been there for years, but it's very selective in when it decides to stick it's ugly head out but here is when it's happened recently.

It happened last week in the cinema, I was eating my popcorn then suddenly I get this overwhelming feeling that suddenly this massive room is tiny and I need to get out. Now with the majority of cinemas this would be fine but not here because A) The cinema was fully packed B) The cinema was on the third floor and C) I was at the back. Now usually the instinct in you would tell you to leave and go to a quieter less crowded room, i.e. the toilet. But I have this principle of never walking out on a movie for the toilet in case i miss something. It's not like I can pause it nor can watch it again for another 6months and usually if you do the description you get from the person next to you about what you missed is vague and the scene is probably very significant. I actually have another thought here I'll mention later.

It happened on the bus in Frankfurt going to the airport, although I felt sick. Seriously I have to stop taking 'medicine' from people, I went 16 years without taking a single pill or tablet, simply because I was sure it was physically impossible for me to swallow them yet I can scran like fuck and I have no problems eating gummy bears whole with a red lace tied around them and bringing them back up for nothing more than a giggle. Anyhow, I was on this bus and it was full, it was a 2 hour journey and it was filled to the brim with German people and I felt sick, very sick. So suddenly this bus journey which was at 6am should have been easy because I was sleeping but I wasn't. I was thinking, imagine I was sick here, all these people would see. Maybe I'll go to the toilet but there wasn't one. Maybe I'll ask the driver to stop but he doesn't speak English. Maybe I could be sick and nobody will notice as they're all asleep. I thought of this over and over for 2 hours and then I finally got some fresh air and all was well, kind of.

There are other times as well but those are the two main ones, the ones I'm prepared to talk about anyway. And it's weird because I'd say that in a nightclub I can usually be in my element which is weird because those are probably the most crowded and warmest places you can be besides the world's largest orgy.

I do get these feelings though, when I go out for dinner, I do not care for eating in front of people who are, shall we say significant and by significant I mean I have to make a good impression. Although now I'm a little bit older, I've come to realise that wine is my good friend and should take the nerves off although trying to down a bottle of wine without these people noticing can be difficult. I recommend big glasses.

What makes it worse, is that I become very aware of these situations and I start thinking of all the 'what if's' which being honest probably doesn't help because i'll probably think of the worst one and somehow try and make it happen but at least I know how to act. Usually I was just sick but to make the situation better I started to order cheaper things off the menu, I can't help but kind of laugh now at it all.

Anyhow, the thing I was going to mention earlier about toilets is that for some reason, I find it difficult to piss at a urinal and I haven't got a clue why. I don't have a problem pissing in public as Strathclyde Police will tell you and I don't have a problem getting my banger out. I think my ability to want to strip for no reason other than pretending it's Old School and that we're all going streaking could probably have been the reason why my ex stopped taking me to house parties but I'm not sure about that, hahaha.

If I need to piss when I'm out, given the choice I need to be alone at the urinal or in the cubicle which probably makes me look like I use a lot of coke when I'm out although I have a bladder the size of a....very big animal that doesn't piss a lot. Also, while we're on the subject of cubicles and coke, who's bright idea was it to marry these two together? It's as genius as it is stupid. Sure it's discreet and you can probably take a line at the same speed as you can do a shite but basically what you're doing is this.

You're sticking your nose down a place where some guy's arse was and taking a massive sniff of where people do a shite. It's really a little fucked up.

Driving

So I finally pass my driving test and really I should be thrilled but honestly, I don't think I even really care.

It takes some drivers about 2months to get bored of driving, perhaps even 2 years for others but I seriously reckon it took me a whole of 2 hours to get fed up. It could be that the only car I have access to is slower than a glacier but I don't think that's it.

These are my driving thoughts so far after not even 2 days.

1) Driving alone is really really really lonely. I can sit in my room, even now typing this and not feel alone. But in a car, it's completely different. No msn. No phone. You're basically in a small metal tin that is shut off from the outside world. Although you can sing along to the radio or whatever. One of the greatest joys of being in a car and I suggest everybody try this because you will feel a great deal of satisfaction. If you ever see somebody singing in a car opposite you, flick through the radio station cause if you find the radio station you are singing along too, it will be funny as fuck plus you feel like you deserved it with the little effort you put in.

2) Speeding isn't really that fun. I've been a max of 10mph over the speed limit and even then that was changing lane to make sure I got ahead of a car. Yup, boring.

3) I was feeling quite nervous before my test, I didn't think I was going to pass nor did I think I was going to fail. So I basically very highly recommended by a very sexy lady to take kalms as it 'kalms' your nerves (HAHAHA, GET IT?.......) anyhow, it made me quite relaxed, a little too relaxed, so relaxed infact that I felt really sleepy. Essentially I took a mild form of Valium. Now normally when you're tired it's a weird sensation however when you're barely over an hour from your driving test and you're starting to slouch and get heavy eyes and are too 'kalms' to care, it's a tough situation to be in. Although in retrospect, I think I wouldn't have passed without it plus I think it's a really funny story, haha and not just cause of the 'kalms' joke.

4) Pubs are nae shite when sober. I've been sober in a pub lots, but usually that feeling fades after my second pint (just to point out, I'm not a lightweight, I just start to buzz around this point) so I feel fine. But watching football while drinking, a can of irn bru, a can of redbull, a bottle of water and fresh orange juice was a little bit.....not worth it.

That's my thoughts on driving so far, actually I have another. I fucking hate carrying a passport around for ID, especially when I'm using my old one and I look retarded in it, although it makes me laugh.

Speaking of the football actually, does anybody else think that Christian Dailly could possibly a long lost brother of the Jonas Brothers?

Speaking of the Jonas Brothers, they have a 3d movie coming out but that's not important but what is important is that trailer was on before Monsters Vs Aliens.

Now, I don't laugh in the cinema, as it does my tits in, it really does. Especially when you have to sit near somebody with an annoying laugh, the annoying laugh where it isn't quite funny or so annoying it was funny but now you feel like throwing something off them and popcorn won't do cause it's too light. Skittles might but they're too tasty. Your gigantic cup of fanta would but you only get one shot and if you miss which you easily could cause the thing weighs about 5kg then you're going to look like a right knob. I suggest minstrels, they have a nice weight and are saucer shaped so they'll slice through the air with perfect accuracy.

Anyhow, my main point here is that Monsters Vs Aliens was a shit hot movie and the 3d was amazing. I LOL'd a lot.

Guten tag!

Before I start, I know I haven't posted in a while but work has been jumping and I was in Frankfurt for the weekend there but I shall probably talk about that tomorrow and give my views on the place.

Anyhow, my new fear that i read about today. Female Suicide Bombers.

Not that suicide bombers weren't scary before but you kind of knew where you stood with them, how hard can they be to spot. Dynamite (I assume from the cartoons that I watch, that's how it happens) around the belly should be fairly obvious to notice.

However, woman could easily say they're preggerz and just load up that way and I'm not saying that every Muslim is a terrorist but every terrorists seem to be Muslim, know what I mean? And Mulsim women wear those scary dresses where you can only see their eyes.

Basically what I'm trying to say is, if I ever seen a 'fat' Muslim woman all kitted out in her robes, then yes, I'd be slightly nervous and would probably want to get a safe distance, also known as being outside the blast radius. This may be considered racist but it's more of a public safety message.

I've ate a full pack of milk chocolate digestives today and honestly, it blows my fucking mind that I have managed to put on a stone and a half in the past year, however ironically I don't actually appear to be fatter at all so it's all good and I've eaten a lot of good meals but I did not eat a lot of good meals in Germany as it appeared to all be kebab shops or kebap (lol) shops. I ate 4 kebabs in one day, I don't normally eat them because I don't like them but I doubt I'll ever have one again. Fuck that.

My current 3 favourite words

You're probably expecting at least one of these to be a sweary word but they're not. In no particular order, they go:

Clever: –adjective
Mentally bright; having sharp or quick intelligence; able.

Contemplate: -Verb
To consider thoroughly; think fully or deeply about: to contemplate a difficult problem.

Digress: -verb (used without object)
To deviate or wander away from the main topic or purpose in speaking or writing; depart from the principal line of argument, plot, study, etc.

I quite liked that set up I had going on up there for my favourite words. I don't really know how or why I created this list but I did. I should probably try and justify these.

Clever because I almost never use the word.

Contemplate because I like the way it sounds

Digress because, well. Isn't it obvious? Also, nobody ever seems to know when to use it probably and it amuses me but I digress.

If I were to be an animal

If I were to be reincarnated as an animal, I'm really unsure what I'd want to be. I probably would want to be something scary. I'm thinking a lion but I'd be a badass lion but I do fear my life would be a repeat of the Lion King.

My earlier choices were going to be something like a bird because I don't think flying would ever get boring but the more I thought about it, the more I think that birds must be sick of flying. The same way what I imagine driving must be like after 5 years. How long do birds even live for? Do you get old birds than can't really fly right cause in my very limited experience of bird watching, I've never looked at a bird and thought 'christ, what's his problem?'

Then I was thinking of the pervy option like a fly or a spider but there are severe flaws here. 1) I'm not a pervy person at all. 2) Why the hell would a spider ever want a perv? and 3) I'd probably get killed rather quickly. Although the idea of scaring a naked woman who is ultimately 1000 times bigger than me, would be well funny.

I also, thought about being an animal everybody loved but the only animals people seem to really love are endangered animals. Sure, people love cats and dogs but that's far too 50/50 and I'd get bored shitless being a dog. Although I reckon if I was a smart enough and cute enough dog I'd be a like wee bastard. Hiding the remote, pissing in slippers, unplugging the alarm clock. The usual mischievous dog stuff. Anyhow, in no possible way would I want to be an endangered species. Think about the pressure of having to save everybody, mind you I'd just do the job like a man.

Haha, there was a funny story in the news about 3 animals of whatever kind in this zoo. Very few of them are left in the world, so they're 2 guys put in with this girl hoping they'd mate. After a while nothing happened. The 2 guy animals turned gay, haha. I'll need to find a link for this, this sounds far too fabricated. Actually, google is rubbish these days and I'm far too hungover to ever find it. Just take my word for it.

I'm trying to think what other animals I could have been. I've made my views on Giraffes quite clear and I wouldn't want to be an elephant or anything really heavy. Just looks like too much effort to move.

You know what, I actually cannot even be fucked doing this. 7 hours ago, I was in a noodle bar eating chips, rice and curry sauce. I woke up 3 hours ago and started woke almost straight away. Don't get me wrong, it was well worth it but I can't really concentrate. St Patrick's day, what the fuck is that all about. I love the fact that all I seemed to drink was Spanish beer and Russian Vodka. Nothing good has ever came out of Ireland. They're greatest achievement was the Titanic and look how successful that was.

Milking a cow

I was watching Ramsey's kitchen nightmares yesterday, the shite version also knowing as the USA version and for some reason the whole restaurant staff were out wanking off a cow for milk.

Now, I've never milked a cow before but I seriously cannot get my head around everything. I mean, would the udders be cold and soft and the milk would be warm? or would it all back to front from that which would be fucking weird. I donno, this just fries my brains thinking about it. The simple thing would be to ask somebody who has milked a cow but I don't really know any farmers and even if I did, how would I bring this up in conversation? Also, how long would you have to wait before you asked them? Is it a personal thing to them? I don't know quite know what the 411 is on farmers code of conduct in relation to wanking cows but I think it's a firm road that I do not want to go down. Ever.

I would bring up the case in point of 'What was the first person thinking when they milked a cow?'

Cause let's be honest here people, it's not as this was really stumbled across by accident. I assume baby cows were going crazy on the udders and somebody was walking through a field, dying of thirst and thought, 'fuck sake, needs must' and thus milk was discovered. Also, it's not as if drinking milk is anything new, breast milk anybody?

What I find more interesting to think about is, what if the role was switched. What if it was people being milked for cows. I know, that's crazy right, I mean, how is a cow meant to hold a spoon to eat his cereal? it's ridiculous.

This makes my mind work even more, what if evolution fucked up and it was cows who were meant to be the smart ones and humans were just as stupid as every other animal. But better yet, what if the really smart animals were Giraffes.

Imagine having all this intelligence that could lead to the creation of cars, skyscrapers and computers and you're stuck in the body of.......a fucking giraffe.

How much wasted potential is that? You'd be well pissed off. I can't exactly see a giraffe driving car or reading a paper on the way out their house on the way to work. Perhaps stopping by starbucks for a coffee to wake them up. This is only the basic things, what about if you really get into it.

From a health point of view it becomes even more crazy. How is a giraffe meant to brush their teeth and what if their vision goes a little wonky and they need to get glasses. Surgery would be something else all together, imagine trying to do something that complicated when your hands are about 30ft away or however big a giraffe really is. I assume they'd be the size of a lamp post and would have the physical ability of a lamp post.

Actually really thinking about, the concept of a giraffe speaking english, is just plain weird.


Basically, I don't know what I'm trying to say here, just that no matter how weird you think milking a cow is, it's probably not the strangest thing that could have happened in life. Just think of a speccy giraffe, flying a plane while listening to their ipod and eating their cereal. It's a complete mind fuck and that's before I even make a start on giraffe fashion and bullying.


Update: Imagine what Giraffe sports would have been like? It would be rubbish but hilarious, I fail to see them skateboaring or playing football. Crazy crazy crazy animals.

Christmas Movies

When in the mood, they're great but watching a Christmas movie any other time of the year is just plain weird, which is why I cannot watch these movies:

Die Hard
Die Hard 2
Trading Places
Home Alone
Home Alone 2
Elf

This is nae shite, I enjoy these movies, I really do but if I was watching them and a suggestion of Christmas comes up, it makes me slightly uncomfortable. I also feel that Die Hard may be the greatest Christmas story ever told, perhaps even better than the story of Jesus being born! Cause let's be honest, there weren't any machine guns in that nor was there any swearing and angry Germans.

Not unlike my last post with music but why are movies better when you watch them on tv rather than on dvd?

I feel more urged to watch a shit movie on tv than I do to watch a good movie on dvd, it simply could be that I'm a lazy shite at times who doesn't mind doing things for other people but one who ultimately cannot do anything for himself.

Talking about watching movies on tv, remember when you used to tape movies and watch them back? The best moment of your life when you were 9 was realising that when you asked your parents to tape terminator, they done it and paused and started when the adverts came, honestly, nothing has came close to beating that feeling of relief knowing that you don't need to take 5seconds out your busy shedule to press the fast foward button.

The Who

As much as I love the who, I really do find it strange that my favourite song; Eminence Front only involves 2 of the 4 members. Keith Moon was pan bread at this point and Roger Daltrey didn't sing. Looking at the Who though, it really makes all the bands today look kind of shit because they simply did not give a fuck.

No band today, that I can think of in this world of political correctness, goes mental after a gig. Keith Moon trashed several hotels and got banned from every holiday inn. When thinking it would be a good idea to take his water bed from his room and into the elevator, it burst half way, sending all the water crashing through the floor and then through another floor and into a room. He destroyed 3 hotel rooms, in one go without even really trying to. Haha.

Honestly, the last band, that I really assume would be as crazy would be guns and roses. Oasis may fancy themselves but I fucking hate them. They're shite, all the music sounds the same and Noel Gallagher is annoying however I'd be annoying too if I knew I was well and truely passed my sell by date and I looked like a cross between a cheap wax statue and a thunderbird.

Another thing that I've thought about recently after listening to day tripper by the beatles and jimi hendrix live session at radio 1, is that I can't ever imagine any of the bands from the 60s and 70s ever hanging out together. Ever. Obviously they must have but it's not like you had festivals or anything back then. They'd probably just meet up for a massive drug binge, which would have been awesome.


Also, another thought on music. Why is a song always better when you hear it in a movie or when it gets released and hear it on the radio. I'd be struggling to say I liked 2 songs of MGMT's album when it first released but now that more songs have released and I'm hearing them more on tv and movies, I like them a lot better because of that, it's just weird.

Although, the main case in point here is Watchmen; which did have a lot of blue penis in it. You just know that Dr Manhattan would go out as a smurf each year, if he can make himself bigger, surely he can make himself smaller. How fucking awesome would that be? Also, apparently when you see him as a superhero, it's all CGI and they made his dong bigger. Imagine the awkwardness of that meeting with the actor.

Director: Strip down naked please...whoever you are
The Dude playing Dr Manhattan: Ok.....
Director: Haha, just as I thought, either grow an extra 2 inches or we're stretching that thing with CGI!
TDPDM: Fuck sake....

Later on that day...

TDPDM: Honey, is my dong too small?
TDPDM's wife: No, Why? ***Thinks to herself 'LOLOL' ***
TDPDM: Thanks darling, what's for tea?
TDPDM's Wife: Steak pie and chips ***Thinks to herself 'hopefully that'll put some meat on you LOLOL'***
TDPDM: Awesomesauce that sounds delicious.

The weekend after in the pub with his friends

TDPDM: Aye, apparently my weiner is too small and it's getting made bigger by CGI
The Dude's pals: HAHAHAHA! Check you baby dick!



Anyhow....The point I was making was this. Jimi Hendrix along the watchtower comes on and it's loud, very loud and up-mixed to surround sound and it fucking depresses me to know that I will never ever listen to that song in such an amazing fashion again. I've tried connecting my ipod to the surround sound at home and it just sounds loud but no it was no where near to giving me goosebumps. I'm actually contemplating going back to watch it simply for that scene.

2 Scary things that I hope never happen to me

Both of these scare the shit out of me and 1 of them has happened and so because of that, I grew a slight fear of it. Shivers down the spine material, I tell you.

1) Imagine, living alone and going for a sleep on the couch. You wake up an hour later to find your phone on your chest and on your phone is a picture of you sleeping there. Same clothes, hair, everything, no doubt that it wasn't you. How much would you shit a brick there? I mean seriously. You'd never want to sleep in your house again. What would be even weirder if this did happen to somebody and they put the picture on bebo or something as their display picture. That would probably freak the person out who took it.

2) Falling with my arms bound. If I was to be thrown off a cliff, I'd like to able to use my arms to some extent, I don't know what I do with them, probably just flap them about and scream but I'd like to know that the last few seconds before I died, I had the option of doing that. I was on a skateboard once, standing with my legs together. It was a cold night, so I had my arms inside my hoodie, my pal thought it would be a delightful idea to kick the skateboard from under my feet. It was disgusting.

Although, that sounds like a shite thing for a pal to, all be it a hilarious thing to do. This was infact revenge. About 3 weeks earlier at a skate park, I was on a half pipe and my pal was standing in the middle, I got to as far I was going and decided to jump off, kicking my skateboard backwards. This skateboard would run down the pipe, happy as larry and fuck my pal's shin. It looked extremly painful, but I imagine developing a vagina on your shin would be painful occurance.

Shin, is a weird looking word.

I like adding obscure words to the end of sentances

I noticed this about a month ago when watching Kitchen Nightmares, every time Big Gordo says a sentence, usually he'll say yes at the end of it, for example:

Gordo: We're fucking cooking some amazing fucking dish, yes?
Shit Scared Chef: Yes

Which sounds like a simple answer but then I started saying yes at the end of sentences but I changed yes to yeah and people would respond with yeah, again; 'yeah' is a fairly common word to use.

Then I changed from 'yeah' to 'ya!' in a slightly Swedish accent and that's the moment I truly realised that people will usually copy the last word of your sentence, providing it's a question and they understand or agree with the rest of your sentence.

It's a good feeling, when you start adding accents and weird words like, yup, mmmmmhmmm but not only that, emotion even gets carried over. If you say it like you're really excited like Mr Motivator on a good day then the person acts the same, the same with being sad or angry.

I really suggest you go and try it. It's funny when you get a serious man saying ya in a swedish accent with a grin.

The Friends song is flawed.

We all know the friends song, probably the most famous song to any tv show ever and it's a very fitting song, I'll be honest. It talks about how life could be shit but since you're friends are there, you'll be ok. So for a while everything worked out well but then the song got released again and then suddenly the lines after the intro stopped making sense, particularly this one line (I'm just going to copy and paste all the lyrics and bold the contradictory lines that piss me off):

So no one told you life was gonna be this way
Your jobs a joke, you're broke, your love life's D.O.A.

It's like you're always stuck in second gear
And it hasn't been your day, your week, your month,
or even your year
but..

I'll be there for you
When the rain starts to pour
I'll be there for you
Like I've been there before
I'll be there for you
'Cuz you're there for me too...

You're still in bed at ten
And work began at eight
You've burned your breakfast
So far... things are goin' great

Your mother warned you there'd be days like these
Oh but she didn't tell you when the world has brought
You down to your knees that...

I'll be there for you
When the rain starts to pour
I'll be there for you
Like I've been there before
I'll be there for you
'Cuz you're there for me too...

No one could ever know me
No one could ever see me
Seems you're the only one who knows
What it's like to be me
Someone to face the day with
Make it through all the rest with
Someone I'll always laugh with
Even at my worst I'm best with you, yeah

It's like you're always stuck in second gear
And it hasn't been your day, your week, your month,
or even your year...

I'll be there for you
When the rain starts to pour
I'll be there for you
Like I've been there before
I'll be there for you'Cuz you're there for me too...

I'll be there for you
I'll be there for you
I'll be there for you
'Cuz you're there for me too...

And there is the contradiction, 'So no one told you life was gonna be this way' But apparently, your mother, probably the most influential person in your life counts as nobody. Way to sell out with the song and shit over your family. Seriously not cool guys, haha.

The best picture of Arnie ever! EVER!

http://theangryt.com/?p=2008

Haha, wow!

Update: Actually, I can't leave this post as it is, so I'll talk about how I've started to notice people's height a lot more recently.

This all started with this really small woman at the cinema. She was collecting my ticket and as I approached, I kind of assumed she was sitting down as you could barely see over the table stand thing but then she started moving to the side and then I realised she was infact a dwarf. I always took her eye when lifting my hand from my side to present the ticket.

To be honest, I don't even see the point in even paying for cinema tickets besides it being the right thing to do. It's not as if you can't go and buy a popcorn and walk past the woman. Not once have I ever left the cinema and went back in to have my ticket checked again.

I don't think there is actually any other situtation you can be in, where eating popcorn is actually a socially acceptable thing to do. I have never thought, I'm hungry, I'll get popcorn. It shouldn't even be considered a food.


I'll finish this thought later.

The Amityville Horror

It's the scariest fucking film I have ever seen and I don't know why. Everyboy else found it shite and boring. I think it has something to do with Ryan Reynolds. As I stated in one of the reasons of why Blade 3 was a poor second sequel, you can not take this man seriously which is why when he starts doing freaky thing, it is genuinly scary. It would be like a man in the army looking at a monkey holding a grenade. I assume people in the army see grenades often but because a monkey has one, it's scary.

Not only that, but it's a really jumpy movie, you have two types of scary films; One, where you jump out your seat and when you leave the cinema and look at your seat, you see where your arse was because of the spilled popcorn, case in point The Unborn. The plot was ridiculious, your twin wants to be born but because your gran was a jew in a concentration camp and her twin died, his spirit now wants to take over your body. It's stupid yet provides cheap thrills so it's good. Then you have your complete mind fuck movies, like saw.

Saw is a mind fuck and at some point during watching it if you listen carefully, you'll hear somebody say...'wow, how fucked up is the guy who made these things up?' And they say it like it's their idea and nobody has ever thought of it. It's sexist too, a woman could easily have thought that shit up.

Anyhow, The Amityville Horror is kind of a mix of both. Its jumpy and a mind fuck and I have only watched it 2 and a half times. Once in the cinema where I felt so uncomfortable I wanted to leave. Another time at a gilfriends to show how scary it was. Then I tried to watch it myself, got half way through and really could not handle it any more.

Really, I think the key here to making a scary film is to pout somebody unsuspecting in the main role. If you put Adam Sandler as a cazy guy, you would shit buckets, haha.

If my dad was to answer the question of what is my favourite movie, he's probably say 'end of days' Which was a kind of scary movie, I'll grant it that, especially when you are 12. But that's not the reaosn why I turned it off when watching it with him. The reason being, I knew a massive orgy was coming up and watching a sex scene with your parents that young is just weird and they make stupid jokes to make it even more akward. In this orgy, 3 people turned into two people, it was very sexual and very confusing. Not unlike what I'd imagine it would be like to be gay and 14.

End of days is actually the only film where Big Arnie dies and he even commits suicide in, that's how hard he is to kill. The only person storng enough to kill Arnie is infact....Arnie.

That sounded a bit like a Chuck Norris fact there but Chuck Norris is a dick because I think he sued the guy who made up Chuck Norris facts .com. He actually turned 69 yesterday, yup he's that old. I had assumed he wa slike 55 or something and not a single grey hair in that beard of his.

If we lived in a candy filled world.

I know this sounds great living in a candy filled world with chocolate lamp posts and cars made out of flumps but if this was to really happen. Everybody would be obese, the dentist would be king and the fittest people in the world would be diabetic. That would be a proper crazy world to live in.

I had a dream once that my teeth had the weirdest density, the only way I can compare them to anything would be like a swimming pool of custard and I know this sounds odd but I have a point here. Custard is a liquid, however it's density is high enough that if enough pressure is applied it can turn into a solid, which means if you're fast enough you can literally run across a pool of custard. How funny would it be if you filled a swimming pool with custard and seen somebody climbing onto the diving board, would you really want to tell them? Cause you know it would be the funniest thing you'd see in a long time. The confusion and pain mixed together into one epic fuck up.

Anyhow, my teeth dream. So my teeth were fine until one day I woke up and had breakfast. Now, I'm not normally a breakfast person at all and it probably all started with school. Being a school, you're not allowed to typically eat in class because somebody must have brought in skittles and threw them off a teacher or you're chocolate muffin eating abilities is most definately distracting the single teacher in her 40s and all your fat class mates. The reason I never ate before going to school was because truth be told, I'd rather have those 15minutes in bed.

Ironically I am eating breakfast right now, a bacon and egg baguette, I was thinking about it on the way to work and as much as it pains me to say it, it's kind of crap, I even kind of knew it would be but I had convinced myself when walking down that it would make my day but I think I'm just clutching at straws. Clutching at straws? What does that even mean, sounds like something a dirty old woman would do whilst getting rattled in a barn in the Victorian era.

Anyhow, again, my teeth. Shit, I feel like I've built this up too much now. So my teeth were all bendy, solid when nothing was touching them but bendy when I bite into something. Imagine, the feeling in your mouth of all your teeth bending out of shape, it was fucking disgusting, half of them ended up falling out. I looked like Austin Powers mouth on speed.

Goooooooooooooooooogle!

I seriously think I use google more as a spell checker than a search engine. You can misspell a word badly and it'll give you a helping hand, it's amazing.

I pray for the day that 'porn day' or 'tits day' is introduced because you know how google always changes it's logo to be something appropriate to whatever important day or event it is. Christmas, Olympics, the day police academy 7 was released on VHS; all the important days to remember like that. You know that the oo in google is going to be replaced by a pair of boobs and it'll be great. If I wasn't so uneasy about looking at porn at work, I'd well photoshop what I think it would look like at work tomorrow.

Work Stuff

Thanks to my work, I have a large collection of pictures of people I don't know and flash drives. I know that sounds scary, the pictures part anyway. Simply, people forget to ask for their photos and I forget to give them back, so I could literelly make the scariest photo shrine in the history of the world. I even have a wedding album, somebody is probably going to get a divorce because of my lazyness.

As for the flash drives, usually they're shite but every now and again, somebody will leave a decent one. I once managed to watch Max Payne when it was still on at the cinema because of a flash drive somebody.

Steven Naeshite and crap

I actually wish Steven Naesmith was a really shit player simply because I have this imaginary conversation that plays in my head and it goes like this:

Random dude: Oh aye, I like Steven Naesmith
Me: Steven Naesmith...STEVEN Naesmith? More like Steven Nae Shite mate!
RD: Aye, I suppose you're right. Nice use of the phrase nae shite, I think I'll start using that again.
Me: Quality.

I love the word crap for two reasons.

1) I just think it's a funny word when used in weird places. Saying 'that's crap!' isn't really funny, but walking into a busy room and shouting 'what's this crap?' is funny, I'm not really sure how it's the same. I also find it funny when people refer to food as crap.

2) Crap was like the first step towards swearing infront of your parents. It all starts with the word crap and it can escalate there, the final step would be cunt but I can't really think of any circumstance where'd you want to say that in front of your parents, unless you were quoting somebody or just like shock value.

Pimp My Ride

You watch Pimp My Ride (US Version) and it's amazing although perfectly stupid. If I ever had to go on that show, I'd be really careful about saying what I like, cause whatever you like, it's going into your car. 2 episodes come to mind here.

1) This guy has a pick up truck and he delivers auto parts for a living (The irony that his car is shit, lol) so he obviously needs the space in his car to deliver the parts so what do they do to the truck? They obviously strip the pick up part, and put in 5 or 7 plasma screens in the back and cover it with plexi-glass. How the fuck is he going to go to his job now? I mean, sure he could sit at home and watch tv in his garage because all the Plasma screens are 5 times bigger than anything else in his house.

2) The dude loves skateboarding, so they put a grinding rail on the back of his car and paint it, the same colour as his car. That pipe is going to get fucked and scratched and what if the guy loves skateboarding but is crap? He could very easily miss the rail and smash his back window.

What else I love about pimp my ride is that everybody appears to be from a ghetto, so these cars are going to get stolen and stripped for parts but let's assume the car doesn't get stolen. If it breaks down, how the hell is the person going to afford to fix it? they can't afford a cd player in it, yet they're expected to shell out $1000 to replace a tyre?

I think it might just be a good car show theme, but like top gear, pimp my ride is ambitious.

Then we see the British version and it is so shite it's unbelievable, tim westwood (Fuck it, he's not getting a capital in his name, I hate him more than bad grammar) is not black, no matter how much he thinks he is. I also think that he has really long arms. Long enough that he could stand up, not bend any body parts and scratch his knees. He irritates me to no end. Also, at the end of the show when they show some ugly English twat his shit car that looks like it had a make over in Argos, westwood 'officially pimps them'. What a prick.

I don't think tv shows should be allowed to jump the pond. Pimp my ride is shit over here but this pond goes two ways. Have you ever watched Ramsey's kitchen nightmares USA? fuck me....

Piggy Banks and Cannibalism

I finally emptied my piggy bank and at first, it felt like a sexual experience. The hole was that small that all the coins were struggling to simple fall out it. So, after having to prod my finger in and out this tight hole which was conveniently placed where this blue pig's bum hole would be, I had the boring task of counting out £60.23

Seriously, who thought of a piggy bank? It could have been any other animal. Although, not a cat or dog bank because they just sound like a shitty name for a cat or dog pound. I'd like to see odd animal banks or like a 3 legged piggy bank with an afro and glitter.

Is it cruel to feed a pig bacon? cause bacon is delicious, it's one of natures finest meats. And some may consider it even crueler that it's some form of pig taboo that they can't enjoy it without other pigs sticking their nose up at them (haha, I made a pig joke, pigs sticking up their noses)

I don't know if I'd eat a human if it was legal, it probably is legal in Japan or something African country. In a way I'd be curious to try it but only because it is legal. A bit like estacy, I'd never try it now but if it was legal, maybe then I would, even though my only experience with estacy, I was like 14 and it wasn't good. I didn't know it was in my vodka and lilt bottle until I had consumed it. Now my mind wanders but what could possibly have possessed me to think that I was in the little mermaid when walking through a wood and feeling that if I didn't sing under the sea, I could very well die is way beyond me.

Do pigs really have curly tails? Cause if you had to draw a cartoon pig, you'd well draw a curly tail, like an insanely curly pube tail.

Another point about pigs, tattoo artists practise on them because their skin most closely resembles that of human skin. Imagine the pigs were still alive and on a farm somewhere, there is a crew of pigs with a massive collection of shit tattoos. It's mind boggling.

Imagine Hitler never really died.

I'm far too lazy to really go and look up Hitler's death on wikipedia but if my memory serves me correctly and this is me remembering a book I read in History one day after being sent to another room for misbehaving. Hitler killed himself and his misses and the bodies were quickly disposed of and the corpses were either so badly burnt, that they were never found or something along these lines.

All these detailed accounts were given and such in the like as you'd expect and it all seemed very above board, but let's rewind for a minute. We're meant to believe a bunch of fucking nazis?

For all we know, Hitler could have hoped and jumped onto a plane, put on his speedos and been enjoying retirement while getting a good LOL at how stupid the world is. I also wonder what else Hitler would have done. Would he have grown a full tash and beard and went exploring the world? Maybe even combed his hair in a different fashion like the fascist he is? It seemed to work for Superman, all he did was remove his glasses, comb his hair in the opposite direction and put his pants on outside. I wonder if anybody has ever been so tired when getting dressed, that they actually put their pants on outside their trousers. You'd never see a female superhero with a thong on outside her tights.

Anyhow, Hitler living it up. Maybe he went to Ibiza and created the foundations for which would be rave music. Knowing full well that Britain would lap it up. Or maybe he went to disneyland, imagine sitting behind him on splash mountain and as the picture was being taken he lifted up his top to show off his pierced nipple, you wouldn't really know what to think.

Either way, I'm like 75% certain, he went back to a very average life, probably never achieving anything great. So if he was working in McDonalds like I assume, he probably never did get those magic 5 stars under his Adolf name badge nor did he ever win employee of the month or the majestic quickest drive thru award. I made that last award up but I wouldn't be surprised if it was true.

He probably would have killed his misses so she wouldn't squeal on him. So he'd probably take up speed dating or whatever the hip way to attract the fairer sex was in the 50s. Maybe he took up dogging or swinging, enjoying being single.

Talking about Hitler, I actually wonder if he could scrap. Because looking at him, you really know that you could slap him about and that must have really annoyed a lot of British soldiers knowing that. Imagine how much shit is going on about you in war and it's because of some wee guy, you could deck with a miss.

World War 2 was madness.
http://eatliver.com/i.php?n=4069

When my chat up lines have gone wrong

I'm a graphic designer but my job is honestly that varied I do a lot of different things. For example, I can make tshirts and work with every process of doing so, I can make signs, I can take photographs, I can do advertising and since I own the shop with my dad, me saying I own a shop at the sweet old age of 20, is not a complete fabrication.

What does this have to do with chat up lines? This; if I'm out and I talk to a girl and she asks what I do, I can say I'm a fashion designer or a photographer and since my pals will actually abck this up and I have business cards to go along with it, it can either be good or very bad.

These are the two worst examples of how things went tits up.

Once, I was at a nightclub, talking away to this girl and I go for the fashion designer line, turns out she is doing fashion design. Then instead of things becoming interesting it turned into her, talking about her course, which I frankly do not care for in the slightest. She then starts asking me for tips and advice and then procedding to almost begging me for a job. It was horrible and it's amazing how quickly your opinion on somebody can change.

Second story, takes palce at another night club. A posing nightclub. You know the kind, the kind of club where there are camera flashes every 2 seconds, it's an epilepsy haters wet dream. So me and my pal are outside and this group of girls want their photo taken and since they decided between them that non of them were too ugly to be behind the camera for their 40th group photo that night, they skip asking me, probably because I was too busy concentrating on getting my lighter to work in the wind. My pals says it would be better if I took it because I'm a photographer.

Now, I know I didn't set this up myself but these girls were wanting me to take their pictures all night and I seriously do not know what they were expecting? For me to treat them like models because truth be told, behind the inch of shitty make up, they weren't any where near as nice looking as they thought they were. Drunk girls are crazy enough but drunken girls with an inflamed ego are crazy, annoying and weird.

And that's that.

Deja Vú

It's fucking scary but kind of awesome. Every now and again I'll go through days and of endless deja vú (How amazing is that saying though? it sounds very exotic and like the name of a completely shit story wrote by a 14 year old for an English short story) For example, the other day I was in work and this weird looking woman came in and it all seemed very familiar, although it could just be that Hamilton is filled to the brim with honking looking people. Anyhow, after she ordered whatever, it all felt very familiar again and this happened again later with another lady.

So, how can this be scary, if anything you'd think it would be an advantage, maybe you can see into the future? Or maybe, it means you're going to die shortly?

When I was 12, I came to the conclusion that someday I was going to die. Yes, I know that sounds like a thing that I should have known from the age of 6 onwards but I don't mean it like that, I mean I really started thinking into it. What happens once you die? What happens to your body? What happens to your soul and thoughts and experiences? Do they simply they just end and fade away into complete nothingness?

So I thought the idea of us just being here, simply cause, sounded even less plausible than the god idea so I thought I'd investigate a 3rd party solution. Also, the idea of a heaven and hell does not interest me for 2 reasons. 1) There is like a 50/50 chance I go could to the burny fire and 2) It sounds boring as fuck.

Seriously, imagine spending infinity doing anything, it's boring. So I think if I did die. (If? lol) that I'm just going to assume that I'm having a big sleep and it'll be grand.

This seemed to sum everything up well until I started thinking about reincarnation and what if my life was on an endless loop? It would be like that bit in pacman where you dive of to the side and come back into the same room. Because of these thoughts, I have just assumed that my life is going on repeat and this just may be the last play.

So why would deja vú scare me? You know when you study for something, the things you remember the most are the last things you read? Well deja vú, kind of reminds me of that, what if deja vú was just the last memories of my life? What makes it even worse, is that deja vú is always over something completely shit.

An old munting looking woman buying a tshirt being my last experience before I die, fuck that!

Beer adverts are the best adverts

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yIutgtzwhAc&

I mean seriously watch that and tell me you do not want a frothy bevy after watching that. Beer companies have always put out the best adverts. The Budweiser 'men of genius' series are amazing, probably funnier than most funny tv shows.

I'm trying to think of a really shit advert here and so that company can take notes but I can't think of one as I've pretty much gave up on watching tv on tv. I watch almost everything on dvds or some form of on demand service.


Actually thinking about this, maybe beer adverts are only good because I really like beer and get excited thinking about beer.

I think the story of the three bears shows a broken home.

We all know the story of the three bears and how Goldilocks is a wee thieving cow. However I feel there is a lot more to it than meets the eyes. I'll explain the back story and it goes like this:

Basically, the three bears were a broken home. Daddy bear and Mummy bear had been having a lot of arguments recently and because of this, they were sleeping in separate beds (as we see in the story) The arguments had pretty much been because of all the fucked furniture and different porridge eating habits. Seriously, it would drive any man bear insane.

Anyhow, they go away on a walk but I actually believe they were going a walk to a picnic which was the same picnic as 'today's the day the teddy bears have their picnic'.

So they return home to find this skanky ho sleeping in their bed (Probably doing heroin) and their fucked furniture even more fucked than before and slevers in their porridge. That's not a nice way to return from a picnic, especially such a tense picnic since other families were there too and they had to pretend to be a happy family.

This incident cause the daddy bear to go apeshit and get a divorce. Basically the sequel is looking like this in a bullet pointed fashion.

• Baby bear is now teenage angry bear and has to choose which parent to visit at the weekend
• Daddy Bear is fat and single
• Mummy Bear has a toy boy
• Goldilocks is in rehab because sucking cock for coke isn't a good way to live your life.

I have 2 weird Phobias (If you could call it that)

The first is vinegar. I hate it. I really fucking hate it. I can't stand it so badly that if somebody was to walk into a room with vinegar on their chips, I'd probably leave. I once told this to my girlfriend when I was 15. She thought it would be funny to go downstairs and drink vinegar and kiss me. I was so pissed off, that I actually went home and there were 3 dodgy estates between her house and mine. Needless to say, we broke up shortly after, haha.

The second, is the lining of roofs on cars. It's kind of like the softer side of velcro but it's not. The thought of running my nails down that and a sharp point of my nail getting snagged sends shivers down my spine. It does actually make me feel a little sick.

I don't know how or why this happens but it's fucking weird and confusing and disgusting.

Jennifer Aniston & Friends

Now don't get me wrong, she is hot. She really is a beautiful looking woman but because of her playing Rachel in friends, I don't think I'll ever find her attractive.

I reckon, even if I spent a full month with her, every single day, I still couldn't. Even in Along Came Polly and The Good Girl, where she did put in a good performance. I was still was thinking at the back of my mind, I don't like you.

Now, this obviously dares the question: What's wrong with rachel from friends?

Well, nothing exactly, just a lot of little things. I'm not really a shallow person, I always go for personality, although truth be told. My girlfriend has to be hot. Sex is an important part of any relationship and you can't really be looking up or down or to the side or in the mirror or whatever your sexual position preference is and think to yourself: eeewwwww!!!

Wow, that didn't even remotely answer that question at all. Here is the list of things that annoy me about Rachel Green; She complains, she is spoiled, she is slightly stupid, she is a pushover, she has standards that she probably doesn't adhere to and seriously what the hell was that list she gave Ross? It was like 14 pages long, who the fuck would create that? Sorry but that shit is not for me and sadly I truely believe that Jennifer Aniston is like that in real life. So I don't blame Brad Pitt for dumping her (Something about killing her dad or something? lol)

The truely sad thing is; is that no member of the Friends cast will ever be able to act in another tv show or movie ever again without somebody assuming they'll be playing the same characters but to be honest, they're probably so rich and sick of it all, they probably never will want to anyway.

I shall call this curse: The Friends Curse. Other people will suffer from it, for example, you can never watch a serious film if Seann William Scott is in it because every time he opens his lips, you are expecting him to act like the Stifmeister.

Terminator & Other Movies.

I think the new terminator movie is going to be fucking amazing. I can't even remember the last time I seen a trailer and thought to myself: 'this movie is going to be tits'

I actually reckon that even if this movie was shit, I'd still love it.

http://www.traileraddict.com/trailer/terminator-salvation/trailer-b

That's the trailer there btw.

Now, what I love about Terminator: Salvation and Terminator: The Sarah Connor Chronicles (that's a proper mouthful) is that they both pretend that Terminator 3 never really happened which in my honest opinion is a smart move, because it was nae shite (I'm hoping if I say nae shite enough, it'll start to come back as an acceptable saying to use in daily conversation)

Terminator 3 was bad for many reasons; The fact that John Connor was being played by somebody who reminded me of Will Young, product placement, that it tried to be funny, that the ginger burd annoyed me, that the terminator burd annoyed me or maybe very possibly that it suffered from second sequel syndrome.

Beverly hills cop 1 and 2. Both good and great films. The third one was terrible. The godfather, Shrek, Back to the future, they all suffer from it. There is another trilogy there that I can't think of at the moment and it is doing my tits in. Star Wars! but that's not it either.

It's a dangerous place to go with any set of movies. I'm actually shitting bricks at the prospect of Ghostbusters 3.


update: I found out the other shitty third film. Spiderman 3, it was awful. Something about watching the retard who plays Peter Parker thinking he is a stud, makes me never want to go to a nightclub again, in the suggested idea that a geek has watched this movie and thought; 'Thats the life for me....' Fucking awful.#

update 2: Turns out, the actual movie I was thinking of was infact Blade 3 and for very good reason. Infact 2 very good reasons, no 3.

1) Ryan Reynolds, you cannot take this man seriously, ever. Even if he was built like a brick shit house, you cannot take this man seriously.

2) Triple H did not pedigree anybody.

3) You didn't see the woman's vagina which had fangs on it. Not even on deleted scene was that there, which is disappointing because Ryan Reynolds could have easily made this film into a comedy and this would have been the cherry on top (No pun intended, LOL!!11)

Fat people

There are three types of fat people in the world.

1) Fat people who accept it and go about their lives.
2) fat people who do something about it.
and
3) Fat people who complain about being fat.

Now, I've never been obese although I eat as if I am so I don't know this for certain. But how hard can it be lose weight, I mean seriously? It's more effort to actually eat food than to not. I've heard this theory that it requires more energy to eat celery than what it actually gives you in return so if you still have that urge to eat, eat celery. I think it's delicious although this is just a hunch but I think fat people have different taste buds to us skinnies.

I might be onto something here. Now do they taste more or less than what we do? I hear that that when you fly in a plane, a 1/3 of your taste buds do not work, that's why plane food is shit, it's also meant to be really salty, like a whale's vagina. Perhaps there is some relation to fat people and flying, which would be ironic considering how small plane seats are. Right, I'm going off on a tangent here so I'll say what I was going to.

If you're fat and complain about it and make no effort to go to the gym or diet, then all I have to say is....you're fucking annoying.

Dreams and lies

Since the first post was actually nae shite, I'll need to deliver a quick thought.

I've been caught lying a good few times and the majority of the times, it's been around situations where the truth would have been a better option but there is nothing wrong with a good lie if it doesn't hurt anybody I guess, providing it's nothing seriously fucked up, like I killed your dad and saying that as an excuse to break up. That's just wrong (But slightly funny)

The human body is a weird thing but you can't help but feel that sometimes, your body is trying to trick you out for it's own amusement (You can't spell amusement without semen....) Your body may be doing this for several reasons;
1) It may simply not like you, you drink too much, eat too much, smoke too much and sleep too little.
2) You complain about your body a lot, how many woman say they're fat (which is another rant for another day)
3) Like a happy meal, your body will never truely be the one you wanted. (By the happy meal idea, I mean that you get your happy meal and get your toy out and you look at the box and see your toy with others but given a choice, that is not the toy you would have chosen; although if you were given a choice of toys before you got given yours, would your mind be swayed? Maybe you only want another happy meal toy because you have already played with the one you have got?)

I'm going off track here, the point is this. Why when you lie, does your brain automatically decide that it's unimportant information?

Seriously, you'd expect that you'd remember lies but if you lie to somebody and they ask you a question about it in one week's time, you will not remember what you said. Then you try and lie again but you can never create the same lie twice, there are always inconsistancies with lies which people remember and you get caught out. Then suddenly you look a right knob.

Now what does all this have to do with dreams? Your brain forgets dreams, probably before you've even woken up, your brain is like, fuck this shit. This is not important at all, this dream is not getting shelved, it's getting deleted.

However if you wake up at the right moment and tell somebody about this dream, they'll remember it and in a few hours you won't.

Then in a years time, you're friend will tell you a fucked up story, that you created in your dream and told them about yet cannot remember. It's kind of what I imagine watching your favourite movie with Alzheimer's disease would be like.

A strange dream

For some odd reason I decided I'd finally create a blog today and since I did a lot of drinking last night, my only memories from the past 12 hours involve my dream and waking up this morning naked, using my dressing gown as a duvet. Now that I've covered this morning, I'll swiftly move onto my dream, which was odd...

..So basically it starts that I'm in the pub and there is this table and there are 4 women there being bitchy as hell. Making odd demands and complaining about everything. So I'm in the kitchen (My girlfriend works there and I was talking to her, not just sneaking around stealing chips, steak pies or whatever pub food you believe in) and I she said she'd love to throw a glass in her face. SO this gave me a brilliant idea, I'd throw a glass of water in her face.

Needless to say she didn't like this and now apparently, I've started some war with her and her lawyers and all that gash. personally I don't know this woman, so I do not care. So later on, me and my pal are walking home, and 2 scooters go by and who would be on it? That's right, that woman with another lady friend and 2 massive guys. So they try and block our path and a fight breaks out. You'd look at these guys and think, they can fucking scrap but honestly, you could scream loud enough to knock them so it got to point of constantly punching them, them getting knocked out, collecting myself, them waking up, knocking them, rinse and repeat about 6 times. Then it got to the point of me thinking 1) I'm tired and 2) I'm bored.

I go home and find out this woman is some show called 60 rock which I assume was meant to be 30 rock but seeing as how I have never watched it nor know who's on it, I just made up the cast.

Again, later on, I'm walking home and somebody decided to build an american football pitch there and who would be playing? Will Smith himself and some kid. I try my best to join in but apparently throwing an american football is not my strong point. Turns out these two people are in the same show as this woman. Everybody hates her.

Then the dream goes a bit vague here. I'm unsure what happens but that bitch got what was coming to her.

This was a rubbish first post.