You're probably expecting at least one of these to be a sweary word but they're not. In no particular order, they go:
Clever: –adjective
Mentally bright; having sharp or quick intelligence; able.
Contemplate: -Verb
To consider thoroughly; think fully or deeply about: to contemplate a difficult problem.
Digress: -verb (used without object)
To deviate or wander away from the main topic or purpose in speaking or writing; depart from the principal line of argument, plot, study, etc.
I quite liked that set up I had going on up there for my favourite words. I don't really know how or why I created this list but I did. I should probably try and justify these.
Clever because I almost never use the word.
Contemplate because I like the way it sounds
Digress because, well. Isn't it obvious? Also, nobody ever seems to know when to use it probably and it amuses me but I digress.
Wednesday, 18 March 2009
If I were to be an animal
If I were to be reincarnated as an animal, I'm really unsure what I'd want to be. I probably would want to be something scary. I'm thinking a lion but I'd be a badass lion but I do fear my life would be a repeat of the Lion King.
My earlier choices were going to be something like a bird because I don't think flying would ever get boring but the more I thought about it, the more I think that birds must be sick of flying. The same way what I imagine driving must be like after 5 years. How long do birds even live for? Do you get old birds than can't really fly right cause in my very limited experience of bird watching, I've never looked at a bird and thought 'christ, what's his problem?'
Then I was thinking of the pervy option like a fly or a spider but there are severe flaws here. 1) I'm not a pervy person at all. 2) Why the hell would a spider ever want a perv? and 3) I'd probably get killed rather quickly. Although the idea of scaring a naked woman who is ultimately 1000 times bigger than me, would be well funny.
I also, thought about being an animal everybody loved but the only animals people seem to really love are endangered animals. Sure, people love cats and dogs but that's far too 50/50 and I'd get bored shitless being a dog. Although I reckon if I was a smart enough and cute enough dog I'd be a like wee bastard. Hiding the remote, pissing in slippers, unplugging the alarm clock. The usual mischievous dog stuff. Anyhow, in no possible way would I want to be an endangered species. Think about the pressure of having to save everybody, mind you I'd just do the job like a man.
Haha, there was a funny story in the news about 3 animals of whatever kind in this zoo. Very few of them are left in the world, so they're 2 guys put in with this girl hoping they'd mate. After a while nothing happened. The 2 guy animals turned gay, haha. I'll need to find a link for this, this sounds far too fabricated. Actually, google is rubbish these days and I'm far too hungover to ever find it. Just take my word for it.
I'm trying to think what other animals I could have been. I've made my views on Giraffes quite clear and I wouldn't want to be an elephant or anything really heavy. Just looks like too much effort to move.
You know what, I actually cannot even be fucked doing this. 7 hours ago, I was in a noodle bar eating chips, rice and curry sauce. I woke up 3 hours ago and started woke almost straight away. Don't get me wrong, it was well worth it but I can't really concentrate. St Patrick's day, what the fuck is that all about. I love the fact that all I seemed to drink was Spanish beer and Russian Vodka. Nothing good has ever came out of Ireland. They're greatest achievement was the Titanic and look how successful that was.
My earlier choices were going to be something like a bird because I don't think flying would ever get boring but the more I thought about it, the more I think that birds must be sick of flying. The same way what I imagine driving must be like after 5 years. How long do birds even live for? Do you get old birds than can't really fly right cause in my very limited experience of bird watching, I've never looked at a bird and thought 'christ, what's his problem?'
Then I was thinking of the pervy option like a fly or a spider but there are severe flaws here. 1) I'm not a pervy person at all. 2) Why the hell would a spider ever want a perv? and 3) I'd probably get killed rather quickly. Although the idea of scaring a naked woman who is ultimately 1000 times bigger than me, would be well funny.
I also, thought about being an animal everybody loved but the only animals people seem to really love are endangered animals. Sure, people love cats and dogs but that's far too 50/50 and I'd get bored shitless being a dog. Although I reckon if I was a smart enough and cute enough dog I'd be a like wee bastard. Hiding the remote, pissing in slippers, unplugging the alarm clock. The usual mischievous dog stuff. Anyhow, in no possible way would I want to be an endangered species. Think about the pressure of having to save everybody, mind you I'd just do the job like a man.
Haha, there was a funny story in the news about 3 animals of whatever kind in this zoo. Very few of them are left in the world, so they're 2 guys put in with this girl hoping they'd mate. After a while nothing happened. The 2 guy animals turned gay, haha. I'll need to find a link for this, this sounds far too fabricated. Actually, google is rubbish these days and I'm far too hungover to ever find it. Just take my word for it.
I'm trying to think what other animals I could have been. I've made my views on Giraffes quite clear and I wouldn't want to be an elephant or anything really heavy. Just looks like too much effort to move.
You know what, I actually cannot even be fucked doing this. 7 hours ago, I was in a noodle bar eating chips, rice and curry sauce. I woke up 3 hours ago and started woke almost straight away. Don't get me wrong, it was well worth it but I can't really concentrate. St Patrick's day, what the fuck is that all about. I love the fact that all I seemed to drink was Spanish beer and Russian Vodka. Nothing good has ever came out of Ireland. They're greatest achievement was the Titanic and look how successful that was.
Tuesday, 17 March 2009
Milking a cow
I was watching Ramsey's kitchen nightmares yesterday, the shite version also knowing as the USA version and for some reason the whole restaurant staff were out wanking off a cow for milk.
Now, I've never milked a cow before but I seriously cannot get my head around everything. I mean, would the udders be cold and soft and the milk would be warm? or would it all back to front from that which would be fucking weird. I donno, this just fries my brains thinking about it. The simple thing would be to ask somebody who has milked a cow but I don't really know any farmers and even if I did, how would I bring this up in conversation? Also, how long would you have to wait before you asked them? Is it a personal thing to them? I don't know quite know what the 411 is on farmers code of conduct in relation to wanking cows but I think it's a firm road that I do not want to go down. Ever.
I would bring up the case in point of 'What was the first person thinking when they milked a cow?'
Cause let's be honest here people, it's not as this was really stumbled across by accident. I assume baby cows were going crazy on the udders and somebody was walking through a field, dying of thirst and thought, 'fuck sake, needs must' and thus milk was discovered. Also, it's not as if drinking milk is anything new, breast milk anybody?
What I find more interesting to think about is, what if the role was switched. What if it was people being milked for cows. I know, that's crazy right, I mean, how is a cow meant to hold a spoon to eat his cereal? it's ridiculous.
This makes my mind work even more, what if evolution fucked up and it was cows who were meant to be the smart ones and humans were just as stupid as every other animal. But better yet, what if the really smart animals were Giraffes.
Imagine having all this intelligence that could lead to the creation of cars, skyscrapers and computers and you're stuck in the body of.......a fucking giraffe.
How much wasted potential is that? You'd be well pissed off. I can't exactly see a giraffe driving car or reading a paper on the way out their house on the way to work. Perhaps stopping by starbucks for a coffee to wake them up. This is only the basic things, what about if you really get into it.
From a health point of view it becomes even more crazy. How is a giraffe meant to brush their teeth and what if their vision goes a little wonky and they need to get glasses. Surgery would be something else all together, imagine trying to do something that complicated when your hands are about 30ft away or however big a giraffe really is. I assume they'd be the size of a lamp post and would have the physical ability of a lamp post.
Actually really thinking about, the concept of a giraffe speaking english, is just plain weird.
Basically, I don't know what I'm trying to say here, just that no matter how weird you think milking a cow is, it's probably not the strangest thing that could have happened in life. Just think of a speccy giraffe, flying a plane while listening to their ipod and eating their cereal. It's a complete mind fuck and that's before I even make a start on giraffe fashion and bullying.
Update: Imagine what Giraffe sports would have been like? It would be rubbish but hilarious, I fail to see them skateboaring or playing football. Crazy crazy crazy animals.
Now, I've never milked a cow before but I seriously cannot get my head around everything. I mean, would the udders be cold and soft and the milk would be warm? or would it all back to front from that which would be fucking weird. I donno, this just fries my brains thinking about it. The simple thing would be to ask somebody who has milked a cow but I don't really know any farmers and even if I did, how would I bring this up in conversation? Also, how long would you have to wait before you asked them? Is it a personal thing to them? I don't know quite know what the 411 is on farmers code of conduct in relation to wanking cows but I think it's a firm road that I do not want to go down. Ever.
I would bring up the case in point of 'What was the first person thinking when they milked a cow?'
Cause let's be honest here people, it's not as this was really stumbled across by accident. I assume baby cows were going crazy on the udders and somebody was walking through a field, dying of thirst and thought, 'fuck sake, needs must' and thus milk was discovered. Also, it's not as if drinking milk is anything new, breast milk anybody?
What I find more interesting to think about is, what if the role was switched. What if it was people being milked for cows. I know, that's crazy right, I mean, how is a cow meant to hold a spoon to eat his cereal? it's ridiculous.
This makes my mind work even more, what if evolution fucked up and it was cows who were meant to be the smart ones and humans were just as stupid as every other animal. But better yet, what if the really smart animals were Giraffes.
Imagine having all this intelligence that could lead to the creation of cars, skyscrapers and computers and you're stuck in the body of.......a fucking giraffe.
How much wasted potential is that? You'd be well pissed off. I can't exactly see a giraffe driving car or reading a paper on the way out their house on the way to work. Perhaps stopping by starbucks for a coffee to wake them up. This is only the basic things, what about if you really get into it.
From a health point of view it becomes even more crazy. How is a giraffe meant to brush their teeth and what if their vision goes a little wonky and they need to get glasses. Surgery would be something else all together, imagine trying to do something that complicated when your hands are about 30ft away or however big a giraffe really is. I assume they'd be the size of a lamp post and would have the physical ability of a lamp post.
Actually really thinking about, the concept of a giraffe speaking english, is just plain weird.
Basically, I don't know what I'm trying to say here, just that no matter how weird you think milking a cow is, it's probably not the strangest thing that could have happened in life. Just think of a speccy giraffe, flying a plane while listening to their ipod and eating their cereal. It's a complete mind fuck and that's before I even make a start on giraffe fashion and bullying.
Update: Imagine what Giraffe sports would have been like? It would be rubbish but hilarious, I fail to see them skateboaring or playing football. Crazy crazy crazy animals.
Christmas Movies
When in the mood, they're great but watching a Christmas movie any other time of the year is just plain weird, which is why I cannot watch these movies:
Die Hard
Die Hard 2
Trading Places
Home Alone
Home Alone 2
Elf
This is nae shite, I enjoy these movies, I really do but if I was watching them and a suggestion of Christmas comes up, it makes me slightly uncomfortable. I also feel that Die Hard may be the greatest Christmas story ever told, perhaps even better than the story of Jesus being born! Cause let's be honest, there weren't any machine guns in that nor was there any swearing and angry Germans.
Not unlike my last post with music but why are movies better when you watch them on tv rather than on dvd?
I feel more urged to watch a shit movie on tv than I do to watch a good movie on dvd, it simply could be that I'm a lazy shite at times who doesn't mind doing things for other people but one who ultimately cannot do anything for himself.
Talking about watching movies on tv, remember when you used to tape movies and watch them back? The best moment of your life when you were 9 was realising that when you asked your parents to tape terminator, they done it and paused and started when the adverts came, honestly, nothing has came close to beating that feeling of relief knowing that you don't need to take 5seconds out your busy shedule to press the fast foward button.
Die Hard
Die Hard 2
Trading Places
Home Alone
Home Alone 2
Elf
This is nae shite, I enjoy these movies, I really do but if I was watching them and a suggestion of Christmas comes up, it makes me slightly uncomfortable. I also feel that Die Hard may be the greatest Christmas story ever told, perhaps even better than the story of Jesus being born! Cause let's be honest, there weren't any machine guns in that nor was there any swearing and angry Germans.
Not unlike my last post with music but why are movies better when you watch them on tv rather than on dvd?
I feel more urged to watch a shit movie on tv than I do to watch a good movie on dvd, it simply could be that I'm a lazy shite at times who doesn't mind doing things for other people but one who ultimately cannot do anything for himself.
Talking about watching movies on tv, remember when you used to tape movies and watch them back? The best moment of your life when you were 9 was realising that when you asked your parents to tape terminator, they done it and paused and started when the adverts came, honestly, nothing has came close to beating that feeling of relief knowing that you don't need to take 5seconds out your busy shedule to press the fast foward button.
Monday, 16 March 2009
The Who
As much as I love the who, I really do find it strange that my favourite song; Eminence Front only involves 2 of the 4 members. Keith Moon was pan bread at this point and Roger Daltrey didn't sing. Looking at the Who though, it really makes all the bands today look kind of shit because they simply did not give a fuck.
No band today, that I can think of in this world of political correctness, goes mental after a gig. Keith Moon trashed several hotels and got banned from every holiday inn. When thinking it would be a good idea to take his water bed from his room and into the elevator, it burst half way, sending all the water crashing through the floor and then through another floor and into a room. He destroyed 3 hotel rooms, in one go without even really trying to. Haha.
Honestly, the last band, that I really assume would be as crazy would be guns and roses. Oasis may fancy themselves but I fucking hate them. They're shite, all the music sounds the same and Noel Gallagher is annoying however I'd be annoying too if I knew I was well and truely passed my sell by date and I looked like a cross between a cheap wax statue and a thunderbird.
Another thing that I've thought about recently after listening to day tripper by the beatles and jimi hendrix live session at radio 1, is that I can't ever imagine any of the bands from the 60s and 70s ever hanging out together. Ever. Obviously they must have but it's not like you had festivals or anything back then. They'd probably just meet up for a massive drug binge, which would have been awesome.
Also, another thought on music. Why is a song always better when you hear it in a movie or when it gets released and hear it on the radio. I'd be struggling to say I liked 2 songs of MGMT's album when it first released but now that more songs have released and I'm hearing them more on tv and movies, I like them a lot better because of that, it's just weird.
Although, the main case in point here is Watchmen; which did have a lot of blue penis in it. You just know that Dr Manhattan would go out as a smurf each year, if he can make himself bigger, surely he can make himself smaller. How fucking awesome would that be? Also, apparently when you see him as a superhero, it's all CGI and they made his dong bigger. Imagine the awkwardness of that meeting with the actor.
Director: Strip down naked please...whoever you are
The Dude playing Dr Manhattan: Ok.....
Director: Haha, just as I thought, either grow an extra 2 inches or we're stretching that thing with CGI!
TDPDM: Fuck sake....
Later on that day...
TDPDM: Honey, is my dong too small?
TDPDM's wife: No, Why? ***Thinks to herself 'LOLOL' ***
TDPDM: Thanks darling, what's for tea?
TDPDM's Wife: Steak pie and chips ***Thinks to herself 'hopefully that'll put some meat on you LOLOL'***
TDPDM: Awesomesauce that sounds delicious.
The weekend after in the pub with his friends
TDPDM: Aye, apparently my weiner is too small and it's getting made bigger by CGI
The Dude's pals: HAHAHAHA! Check you baby dick!
Anyhow....The point I was making was this. Jimi Hendrix along the watchtower comes on and it's loud, very loud and up-mixed to surround sound and it fucking depresses me to know that I will never ever listen to that song in such an amazing fashion again. I've tried connecting my ipod to the surround sound at home and it just sounds loud but no it was no where near to giving me goosebumps. I'm actually contemplating going back to watch it simply for that scene.
No band today, that I can think of in this world of political correctness, goes mental after a gig. Keith Moon trashed several hotels and got banned from every holiday inn. When thinking it would be a good idea to take his water bed from his room and into the elevator, it burst half way, sending all the water crashing through the floor and then through another floor and into a room. He destroyed 3 hotel rooms, in one go without even really trying to. Haha.
Honestly, the last band, that I really assume would be as crazy would be guns and roses. Oasis may fancy themselves but I fucking hate them. They're shite, all the music sounds the same and Noel Gallagher is annoying however I'd be annoying too if I knew I was well and truely passed my sell by date and I looked like a cross between a cheap wax statue and a thunderbird.
Another thing that I've thought about recently after listening to day tripper by the beatles and jimi hendrix live session at radio 1, is that I can't ever imagine any of the bands from the 60s and 70s ever hanging out together. Ever. Obviously they must have but it's not like you had festivals or anything back then. They'd probably just meet up for a massive drug binge, which would have been awesome.
Also, another thought on music. Why is a song always better when you hear it in a movie or when it gets released and hear it on the radio. I'd be struggling to say I liked 2 songs of MGMT's album when it first released but now that more songs have released and I'm hearing them more on tv and movies, I like them a lot better because of that, it's just weird.
Although, the main case in point here is Watchmen; which did have a lot of blue penis in it. You just know that Dr Manhattan would go out as a smurf each year, if he can make himself bigger, surely he can make himself smaller. How fucking awesome would that be? Also, apparently when you see him as a superhero, it's all CGI and they made his dong bigger. Imagine the awkwardness of that meeting with the actor.
Director: Strip down naked please...whoever you are
The Dude playing Dr Manhattan: Ok.....
Director: Haha, just as I thought, either grow an extra 2 inches or we're stretching that thing with CGI!
TDPDM: Fuck sake....
Later on that day...
TDPDM: Honey, is my dong too small?
TDPDM's wife: No, Why? ***Thinks to herself 'LOLOL' ***
TDPDM: Thanks darling, what's for tea?
TDPDM's Wife: Steak pie and chips ***Thinks to herself 'hopefully that'll put some meat on you LOLOL'***
TDPDM: Awesomesauce that sounds delicious.
The weekend after in the pub with his friends
TDPDM: Aye, apparently my weiner is too small and it's getting made bigger by CGI
The Dude's pals: HAHAHAHA! Check you baby dick!
Anyhow....The point I was making was this. Jimi Hendrix along the watchtower comes on and it's loud, very loud and up-mixed to surround sound and it fucking depresses me to know that I will never ever listen to that song in such an amazing fashion again. I've tried connecting my ipod to the surround sound at home and it just sounds loud but no it was no where near to giving me goosebumps. I'm actually contemplating going back to watch it simply for that scene.
Friday, 13 March 2009
2 Scary things that I hope never happen to me
Both of these scare the shit out of me and 1 of them has happened and so because of that, I grew a slight fear of it. Shivers down the spine material, I tell you.
1) Imagine, living alone and going for a sleep on the couch. You wake up an hour later to find your phone on your chest and on your phone is a picture of you sleeping there. Same clothes, hair, everything, no doubt that it wasn't you. How much would you shit a brick there? I mean seriously. You'd never want to sleep in your house again. What would be even weirder if this did happen to somebody and they put the picture on bebo or something as their display picture. That would probably freak the person out who took it.
2) Falling with my arms bound. If I was to be thrown off a cliff, I'd like to able to use my arms to some extent, I don't know what I do with them, probably just flap them about and scream but I'd like to know that the last few seconds before I died, I had the option of doing that. I was on a skateboard once, standing with my legs together. It was a cold night, so I had my arms inside my hoodie, my pal thought it would be a delightful idea to kick the skateboard from under my feet. It was disgusting.
Although, that sounds like a shite thing for a pal to, all be it a hilarious thing to do. This was infact revenge. About 3 weeks earlier at a skate park, I was on a half pipe and my pal was standing in the middle, I got to as far I was going and decided to jump off, kicking my skateboard backwards. This skateboard would run down the pipe, happy as larry and fuck my pal's shin. It looked extremly painful, but I imagine developing a vagina on your shin would be painful occurance.
Shin, is a weird looking word.
1) Imagine, living alone and going for a sleep on the couch. You wake up an hour later to find your phone on your chest and on your phone is a picture of you sleeping there. Same clothes, hair, everything, no doubt that it wasn't you. How much would you shit a brick there? I mean seriously. You'd never want to sleep in your house again. What would be even weirder if this did happen to somebody and they put the picture on bebo or something as their display picture. That would probably freak the person out who took it.
2) Falling with my arms bound. If I was to be thrown off a cliff, I'd like to able to use my arms to some extent, I don't know what I do with them, probably just flap them about and scream but I'd like to know that the last few seconds before I died, I had the option of doing that. I was on a skateboard once, standing with my legs together. It was a cold night, so I had my arms inside my hoodie, my pal thought it would be a delightful idea to kick the skateboard from under my feet. It was disgusting.
Although, that sounds like a shite thing for a pal to, all be it a hilarious thing to do. This was infact revenge. About 3 weeks earlier at a skate park, I was on a half pipe and my pal was standing in the middle, I got to as far I was going and decided to jump off, kicking my skateboard backwards. This skateboard would run down the pipe, happy as larry and fuck my pal's shin. It looked extremly painful, but I imagine developing a vagina on your shin would be painful occurance.
Shin, is a weird looking word.
Thursday, 12 March 2009
I like adding obscure words to the end of sentances
I noticed this about a month ago when watching Kitchen Nightmares, every time Big Gordo says a sentence, usually he'll say yes at the end of it, for example:
Gordo: We're fucking cooking some amazing fucking dish, yes?
Shit Scared Chef: Yes
Which sounds like a simple answer but then I started saying yes at the end of sentences but I changed yes to yeah and people would respond with yeah, again; 'yeah' is a fairly common word to use.
Then I changed from 'yeah' to 'ya!' in a slightly Swedish accent and that's the moment I truly realised that people will usually copy the last word of your sentence, providing it's a question and they understand or agree with the rest of your sentence.
It's a good feeling, when you start adding accents and weird words like, yup, mmmmmhmmm but not only that, emotion even gets carried over. If you say it like you're really excited like Mr Motivator on a good day then the person acts the same, the same with being sad or angry.
I really suggest you go and try it. It's funny when you get a serious man saying ya in a swedish accent with a grin.
Gordo: We're fucking cooking some amazing fucking dish, yes?
Shit Scared Chef: Yes
Which sounds like a simple answer but then I started saying yes at the end of sentences but I changed yes to yeah and people would respond with yeah, again; 'yeah' is a fairly common word to use.
Then I changed from 'yeah' to 'ya!' in a slightly Swedish accent and that's the moment I truly realised that people will usually copy the last word of your sentence, providing it's a question and they understand or agree with the rest of your sentence.
It's a good feeling, when you start adding accents and weird words like, yup, mmmmmhmmm but not only that, emotion even gets carried over. If you say it like you're really excited like Mr Motivator on a good day then the person acts the same, the same with being sad or angry.
I really suggest you go and try it. It's funny when you get a serious man saying ya in a swedish accent with a grin.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
