Panic Attacks

I have the slightest of slightest feelings that I may have it. I don't care for it much at all.

Edit: I should probably expand this a bit.

I think it's always been kind of underlying and it's been there for years, but it's very selective in when it decides to stick it's ugly head out but here is when it's happened recently.

It happened last week in the cinema, I was eating my popcorn then suddenly I get this overwhelming feeling that suddenly this massive room is tiny and I need to get out. Now with the majority of cinemas this would be fine but not here because A) The cinema was fully packed B) The cinema was on the third floor and C) I was at the back. Now usually the instinct in you would tell you to leave and go to a quieter less crowded room, i.e. the toilet. But I have this principle of never walking out on a movie for the toilet in case i miss something. It's not like I can pause it nor can watch it again for another 6months and usually if you do the description you get from the person next to you about what you missed is vague and the scene is probably very significant. I actually have another thought here I'll mention later.

It happened on the bus in Frankfurt going to the airport, although I felt sick. Seriously I have to stop taking 'medicine' from people, I went 16 years without taking a single pill or tablet, simply because I was sure it was physically impossible for me to swallow them yet I can scran like fuck and I have no problems eating gummy bears whole with a red lace tied around them and bringing them back up for nothing more than a giggle. Anyhow, I was on this bus and it was full, it was a 2 hour journey and it was filled to the brim with German people and I felt sick, very sick. So suddenly this bus journey which was at 6am should have been easy because I was sleeping but I wasn't. I was thinking, imagine I was sick here, all these people would see. Maybe I'll go to the toilet but there wasn't one. Maybe I'll ask the driver to stop but he doesn't speak English. Maybe I could be sick and nobody will notice as they're all asleep. I thought of this over and over for 2 hours and then I finally got some fresh air and all was well, kind of.

There are other times as well but those are the two main ones, the ones I'm prepared to talk about anyway. And it's weird because I'd say that in a nightclub I can usually be in my element which is weird because those are probably the most crowded and warmest places you can be besides the world's largest orgy.

I do get these feelings though, when I go out for dinner, I do not care for eating in front of people who are, shall we say significant and by significant I mean I have to make a good impression. Although now I'm a little bit older, I've come to realise that wine is my good friend and should take the nerves off although trying to down a bottle of wine without these people noticing can be difficult. I recommend big glasses.

What makes it worse, is that I become very aware of these situations and I start thinking of all the 'what if's' which being honest probably doesn't help because i'll probably think of the worst one and somehow try and make it happen but at least I know how to act. Usually I was just sick but to make the situation better I started to order cheaper things off the menu, I can't help but kind of laugh now at it all.

Anyhow, the thing I was going to mention earlier about toilets is that for some reason, I find it difficult to piss at a urinal and I haven't got a clue why. I don't have a problem pissing in public as Strathclyde Police will tell you and I don't have a problem getting my banger out. I think my ability to want to strip for no reason other than pretending it's Old School and that we're all going streaking could probably have been the reason why my ex stopped taking me to house parties but I'm not sure about that, hahaha.

If I need to piss when I'm out, given the choice I need to be alone at the urinal or in the cubicle which probably makes me look like I use a lot of coke when I'm out although I have a bladder the size of a....very big animal that doesn't piss a lot. Also, while we're on the subject of cubicles and coke, who's bright idea was it to marry these two together? It's as genius as it is stupid. Sure it's discreet and you can probably take a line at the same speed as you can do a shite but basically what you're doing is this.

You're sticking your nose down a place where some guy's arse was and taking a massive sniff of where people do a shite. It's really a little fucked up.