I might start a new blog

Something about all the gadgets and weird shit I find on the internet. I may even use pictures too.

The Real Hustle & Terrorism.

First off, the new guy who narrates this problem sounds slightly retarded. Or maybe it's an accent, I cannot tell but either way, you're trying to portray a cool tv series, where people scam cunts and then you have this guy doing the voice over. It would be like Ocean's Eleven where Matt Damon actually acts like: Maaaaaaaattttttt Daaaaaaamon, just like Team America. It simply wouldn't work....well.

Anyhow, the people in the real hustle have just completely shat all over their social life. Either I have watched the show enough to recognise them and thus I assume everybody else knows or the show really is popular enough but I digress.

The point I'm making is this, nobody will ever want to talk to them or be near them, simply because you'll have the feeling that once you're done talking, you're wallet will be missing and you'll look a right knob on tv.

On the plus side for these people though, if the BBC decides to seriously cut back their wages and they have to use public transport (Which is utter shite) then they could easily get a seat on any bus or train, nobody would want to sit next them. Christ, even the terrorist with a bomb in his bag will move seat in fear of it being stolen.

I liked the idea that Susan Boyle is helping the war on terror as most terrorists now know what a virgin looks like and it isn't pretty. And why would you even want to have 40 virgins anyway? That would be like going on a flight and hearing the captain say:

Blah blah blah blah, we're heading to Amsterdam (which I am tomorrow) blah blah, the weather will be lovely (Which it better) blah blah blah.......oh and by the way, this is my first time.

You'd shit yourself but I don't know if you'd shit yourself enough that you'd want to be the first cunt to actually leave the plane in fear.

Or worse, you walk into a hospital and this happens.

Nurse: Hi there, you in for yer vasectomy?
You: Yeah, haha....I'm scared.
Nurse: Well this is your surgeon and he'll take you through what will happen.
You: Great, haha....I'm scared.
Surgeon (who I imagine looks like Turk): I've never done this before.
You: aye, see ye later pal.

Now in the back of your mind, you know everything would go to plan, probably but it wouldn't go to plan as well as somebody with a bit of experience. I don't really know what I'm trying to say here.

So I'll sum it up with this. All terrorists are ugly cunts, they are. No terrorist has ever flashed up on the news and somebody has thought, wow, he's actually good looking, nobody has ever even said, wow, he's average looking. This is why they look forward to getting their hole and the only way this seems to happen is by suicide bombing apparently.

Maybe it was a joke that got out of hand.

Like the time I told my pal to shave sideways, as in the blade going across the face in a slashing motion. I would have felt bad if it wasn't so funny.

Thank you Jamster!!

Thank you so much for inventing a living breathing wallpaper can tell me how much battery I have left in my phone. Really, thank you!!

Before, I'd be surprised when my phone suddenly cut out but now I'm not, I simply have to close off all the menus and windows and there it is, how much battery I have left. All this for a mere £4.50 a week until I decide to cancel my subscription. While I'm at it, I could have some of those animals licking my screen, or hopefully they'll have disabled people licking windows sooner.

I hope that somebody at R&D tells them that all phones have this function to tell the user how much battery they have left and it's nothing new. It's been around since the 80s when the mobile phone was invented with a GUI.

Honestly, I thought I had an easy job but this just rips the cunt.

I've had two ideas

Now, I feel a bit weird saying this and if somebody copies these I'll be fucking raging and demanding royalties if they make the big time although one may already exist.

Now, buying a present for yer girlfriend or boyfriend can be a difficult experience. (Personally I don't have this problem because I know my girlfriend that well but hey, we can't all be like me, I kid but not really)

So, what I devise is this: I make a website and what you do is have a little snoop around their collection of crap and you pick their favourtite things and you put it into this search engine type thing and you sert a budget.

The website will then figure out what kind of person we're dealing with here and some how, magically bring up the perfect gift for them. So, you type in what dvds they have, it'll find a dvd. You type in what make up or perfume they have, it'll find something.

It could work or it couldn't, I donno and I can't predict these internet trends, I'm quite up to date with the majority of internet memes, mainly being dat ass and the rock for the time being.


The other thing is you create a tshirt with different drinks on it, small enough that you have a selection but not crazy enough that you look like a mental alcoholic. So when yer pal goes up to the bar and forgets your order and tries to get your attention for what you want. You simply point at the drink on your tshirt and everybody wins.

Now this won't work because nobody will ever wear a tshirt with drinks on it, except from those dicks who wear Jack Daniels tshirts.

Blood

It's really warm.

I had a blood test about two weeks ago and I got told that blood is really warm but I think, sure blood can be warm but if you have blood running through your body, wouldn't touching that blood not really be noticeable since it's just the same temperature as your body?

Well it's not. It's quite toasty. The nurse gave me a slightly strange look when I asked to hold the tubes but when I explained the situation, she was completely fine. I had to give 5 viles of blood and I tell you, I was feeling dizzy after it, it probably wasn't the best of ideas to drive afterwards as I felt the need to over react to everything. It's what I imagine driving drunk would be like but completely sober.

I'd like to give blood but it does seem like a lot of effort, I'd imagine, I'd have to go, give a little, they check it, make sure I'm not spewing out aids into the health system and then I come back a month later and donate blood and get a cookie.

I had better get a fucking cookie otherwise we have no deal and I don't want to get hit with a maryland bumper pack, with 50 for a quid. I want a fully fledged cookie, one so big that the thought of eating it in one guy will have me saying, let's see how I feel at the half way stage.

The donate blood website is brilliants. For a start it's called blood.co.uk. It has a fun zone with games on it and the mascot is called Billy and he looks like a condom, red one at that. You know the type. The type of condom you'd only ever find in a dodgy pub where the machine is slightly rusty.

Graphic Design

I find it weird, that I do not have a single problem with designing stuff for other people, it's my job after all but even as a favour I don't have a problem or even doing it to be funny or to be wide.

Yet, when i have the opportunity to create something for myself, I simply cannot be arsed. Hence this blog looks so average.

Something awesome yet dangerous

Coccaine.

No but seriously.

One of the many things I've noticed when driving, well I noticed this a long time ago but being in the driving seat adds a completly different element to it. You know how when you're driving and you see somebody you know driving the other way, you always give a little wave or beep the horn or do something stupid.

What if, you had a signal, through a flash or lights or horn beeps, something so that by the time the cars are passing you have enough time to roll down the windows and give each other a high five as you pass by.

Now, this does possess some great risk, obviously any speed greater than 30mph would hurt like fuck cause basically you'd be slapping something at 60mph and I don't know what the average slap speed is and I think it's one of the mysteries of the universe that we shouldn't know as it would take the magic of a high five. but aye, high speed high fives are out.

What else will be a big no no, is gangster high 5's where you lock hands, cause what will happen is, you'll lock hands and you only have less than a moment here and basically what will happen is; your left hand on the wheel will get pulled sharply to the right causing you and the other driver to go into the other lane, now if it's quiet, fair do's but otherwise you're taking about a head on crash and although nobody will have ever ever ever died like that, it's simply not worth it.

There should also be a safe distance apart, I mean an arms length is a good bit of distance and you have to two arms both extending out so I assume that it should be fine.

I'm going to go find a fellow driving friend and experiment.